someone threw a dead crab at me
fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
