i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
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