Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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