i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
