Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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