I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
