So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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