it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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