We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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