Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
