So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
