I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Is it because I queefed?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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