is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize