I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
