I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
