what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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