I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
