and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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