I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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