at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My pussy is not your playground.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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