Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
