Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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