I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
