You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
