Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
