If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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