you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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