i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
