You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
