Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
