apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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