A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
