Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
