She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
