By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Randomize