I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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