just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Randomize
