I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
