thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
