I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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