Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
