I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
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