I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
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