Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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