Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
