by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
