i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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