Having a random hookup so left but love u
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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