Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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