So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
