So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
