My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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