then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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