the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
