My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Randomize
