My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
