There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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