By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Too much gin, very little bucket
This house was built for laser tag.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
